Vanessa Feltz. My arse.

Now that's tight

I only eat the exact nutrients my body requires. Consequently I have never shat. My arsehole is tighter than Vanessa Feltz size 12 bra.

Oh Australia, where art thou?

Kirk from TOWIE confuses Down Under
and his cock. Again.

One of the early submissions on this blog was the lamentation over the bare emotions mined mercilessly by the Syco corporation. This hulking behemoth has no moral compunction about using any means to promote their oddly unemotional product.

An example???

Bemoaning shambolic, stumblefuck Frankie Cocozas bad singing (probably because of his fucked head) and morally judging his childish, misogynistic views on the left hand. On the right hand egging him on mistakenly comparing him to a young Jagger, driving him to night clubs, filming him in a coked up funk, then feigning disgust. How did they help this broken drug addict???… by shafting him of course…. did you expect any less from the person who willingly keeps Louis Walsh in full time employment.

During the Cocaza meltdown the background whir of a camera could be heard pleading for those salt salty tears. Demanding public snivelling contrition. Hounding this tramplike misguided cumstain. 

He was last spotted in the only place this type of person can hide (outside of the Australian outback of course) in the celebrity big brother house. A kind of Betty Ford clinic for the chronically short of exposure. It’s hard to sympathise with our hapless protagonist but he isn’t the one our ire should be reserved for. It’s the tossers with the pie charts who buy Heat magazine and abhor anything that doesn’t appeal to the lowest common denominator.

But that’s not what I want to talk about.  Another breaking wave from last year is ebbing away from our televisual shores and the flotsam left behind is every bit as bad as the discarded nappy of naked emotion. You can’t have missed it. It is of course the choking stench of stupidity. More specifically the glorification of rank, obvious stupidity. Last year a television show called the only way is Essex won a BAFTA. Take that in for a minute… a fucking BAFTA.

The format is a simple one and like most modern TV shows its genesis was a complex process of audience analysis, demographic profiling, painstaking research and shameless wholesale theft.

Robbing an idea from our American neighbours of filming “real people” in semi scripted situations that roughly follow the decisions taken in their real lives it was kinda like an RPG with amazing graphics but less believable characters and set in a dystopian world you would instantly wish to carpetbomb…. “pioneering” shows such as “Laguna Beach” and “The Hills”.

The stars of these shows hail from two ends of my hate spectrum and some from both.  The loveable simpleton and the bourgeois millionaire scumbag.

TOWIE, as this cancer has become known, is especially simpleton heavy. This may be a symptom of the Jersey Shore effect where thick wankers were held up as status symbols and viable sexual partners rather than being trepanned and farmed for meat.

Obviously the truancy services in Essex in the 90s and 00s were totally under-manned as there is no way any of these wankers attended any type of school. Basic knowledge of any type is considered offensive and is ridiculed among these people. Their only concerns appear to be obsessive personal hygiene bordering on the autistic, the acquisition of wealth through no effort on their part and being completely incapable of maintaining a lasting relationship with another human being.

They have branched out.  Far from remaining in their natural habitat of ITV 2, the channel Stewart Lee fittingly described as a failed state, they are being hawked around to fill in gaps in shows that until recently did OK using normal people as contestants.

Family Fortunes had a Celebrity version with a TOWIE moron team Joey Essex attempting to work out how to hit a cow’s backside with a fucking banjo and failing spectacularly. Rather than castigate this amoeba the crowd went into raptures when he managed to get ONE (1) question right. Remember this is Family fucking Fortunes there are 10 correct fucking answers for every goddamn question.

This bleeding effect is TVs tacit confirmation that being a dumbass is now vogue with each channel clamouring to find their own home grown dumbass to “awww shucks” at.. tumours forming everywhere like the dreadful Geordie Shore and the terrible Desperate Scousewives.

This takes us full circle back to Celebrity Big Brother where we are witness to a fully grown adult man (Kirk from TOWIE) unable to identify the CONTINENT of Australia on a world map.  Rather than get this functioning retard the medical attention he desperately needs we will be told that because of his earning potential WE are the fools and in a way they’re right.

We are fools for letting Russ Abbott and Harry Enfield caricatures become real people. We are to blame for introducing a generation to the quick celebrity, flush your pride process of modern fame. We are to blame for Katie fucking Price.

We can take the world back and it starts here.  There is a line in the sand. Thus far and no dumber.t

Soccer racism: Bernard Manning takes a break from being dead to speak out

Next week, birds doing lines men,
what the fuck ist that about?!

Fuck me, what’s all this racist bollocks all about?  In my day we knew what real racism was and this bollocks is fuck all like it.  This Evra fellow is French and plays for Manchester united and he’s worried about being called a fucking nigger?  He’s got bigger fucking things to worry about if you ask me!  And this Luis Saurez, how the fuck do you pronounce that?  It’s like reading a plate of alphabet spaghetti!  And what fucking colour is he?  He’s reminds me of a young Des O’Conner except Luis is probably funnier.  Anyway, a bigger question I have is why we have all these foreigners playing in the English Premier to begin with?  We’ve all gone soft!  And fuck me I was turning so fast in my grave when I heard the Arabs had bought Man City I fucking struck oil.  I’m surprised the players don’t arrive on the pitch on fucking Camels!  I certainly had the fucking hump!  I was never short of a few bob when I was alive but these clubs are selling their souls to the devil if you ask me.  There’s only one team who enjoys being associated with the devil in the Premiership and they’re fucking cunts!

The famous racist Luis Suarez

Holy fuck, it's a nigger

Fair play to him? Fair play my hairy cock.

As soon as Patrice Evra stuck his head above the parapet to bring this disgusting racial abuse to the attention of the authorities the liverpool response has been a disgrace.  they tried to besmirch evra's good name and claimed suarez the racist was innocent.

The unholy trinity of commoli, daglish and suarez the racist told lie after lie to the FA when they were investigating the charge and when the FA found that he was guilty they claimed it was one man's word against another and went on a ridiculous charm offensive, parading their happy little nigger glen johnson in a suarez the racist t-shirt before a game after suarez the racist was found guilty, when the findings were published the unholy trinity again tried to claim that it was suarez the racist's word against Evra the innocent's, in spite of the evidence finding that suarez the racist had used racist language against him and the evidence that suarez the racist himself gave where he admitted using racially motivated language during a heated contretemps.

Fair play? Don't make me laugh.  It shames me to say this about a once proud club but liverpool are the lowest of the low, leeds, millwall and chelsea have got more integrity than that joke of a club.  But what would you expect from a club who tried to line their own pockets at the start of the season to the detriment of the poorer clubs.

How galling must it be that chelsea are showing a lot more decorum in the face of JT the racist's charge than liverpool could ever muster.

Will we have a minute's silence at anfailed for the los of their dignity?   Will they balls.

Fair play? Don't make me laugh.